The case, We’ll Never Be That Kind of Couple is about Emma
and Jason moving next door to a couple who violently fights. The neighbor’s
fights are loud and aggressive to the point where physical abuse comes into
play. At the beginning of this case Emma acknowledges how she and Jason do tend
to argue, although not as bad as their neighbors. Despite their arguments, both
individuals promise one another not to become like the couple next door.
As Emma and Jason adjust to living at their new residence,
they slowly begin to fight as violently as the couple next door. At first,
their fights are pretty mediocre to say the least. For example, during one
evening Emma and Jason were watching Grey’s Anatomy when Jason illustrates a
one-up by turning the channel to watch the first round of Major League Baseball
playoffs. A one-up is an act asserting control over another individual. Emma’s
reaction to Jason’s action is what helped to develop the fight. In response to
Emma, Jason tells her she can watch the show on the internet the following day.
Hearing Jason’s response angered Emma, she didn’t want to miss a part of her
favorite show. When she noticed Jason wasn’t complying with her request on turning
the channel, she illustrates a one-up by trying to impose the power ploy bargaining
strategy. A bargaining strategy involves doing something for someone if they
agree to do something for you. Emma fails in her attempt and had to accept a
one-down. A one-down is an act in which an individual accepts the leadership or
control of the other individual. Accepting the one-down, Emma went upstairs to
finish watching her show. The following morning a one-across act was
illustrated. Neither individual asserted nor accepted control from one another,
feeling deeply hurt over the argument they chose not to communicate. At this
point Emma and Jason share in a competitive symmetry interaction control
pattern. A competitive symmetry interaction occurs when two individuals switch
off on who provides the one-ups. Symmetrical acts can be a little problematic.
When competitive symmetry acts frequently occurs in interactions it is called a
symmetrical pattern
As the seasons change, Emma and Jason continued to overhear
their next door neighbor. The longer they stay living next door, the more they
realize how aggressive the neighbors are becoming. For example, during one
argument the male illustrated jealousy towards the female, as well as physical
abuse by shattering a glass and possibly hitting the woman. Jealousy is one of the four hard emotions; the
other three are anger, hurt and guilt. Individuals tend to feel jealous when
they are deeply hurt, guilty and angry; it’s a blended and complex emotion.
After the neighbors argument Emma and Jason also illustrated jealousy, resentment,
and hostility in their own terms. For example, after arriving home one day,
Emma felt irritated with Jason after realizing he was making pizza again. Jason
violated her relational expectation for not being motivated in making her
something special for dinner. During dinner, realizing Jason needed to talk,
she openly snapped at him when asking what he needed to talk about. At this
point Jason illustrates jealousy by confronting Emma about choosing to be
friends with an ex-boyfriend on Facebook. Through Jason’s hostility, he insults
Emma by calling her stupid. As the argument heats up Emma illustrates physical
abuse when she pours her dinner items and drink down Jason’s pants. Jason
illustrates acquiesce by giving up and leaving.
Once things settle down Emma and Jason both take
responsibility for the way they reacted to each other and apologized. Noticing
a negative pattern in their relationship they both decide to work on it. Emma
and Jason negotiate to have a date night once a week as a way to curtail their arguments.
It is after this negotiation when a turning point in the couple’s relationship
occurred. Jason violated the relational expectation of date night with Emma by
making plans to go out with his friends. Feeling like Jason doesn’t care about
their relationship; Emma becomes hurt. As a way to apologize, Jason buys Emma a
vase a flowers before going home. Thinking Jason was keeping his plans with his
friends, Emma decides to go out as well. Emma’s interpretation of Jason’s plans
causes another episode of fighting between them. Despite Jason’s change of
plans, Emma continues with hers. Before Emma leaves she throws the vase of
flowers down, shattering the vase. Her action was to show Jason what she
thought about the flowers. In the morning, shaken from the results of the
argument, Emma and Jason both apologized to one another. Realized their
arguments are turning violent, both individuals negotiated not to resort to
violence again.
Individuals make their relationship and aspects of their
relationship through communication. A pattern of control is another aspect of
the relationship that is made. In Emma and Jason’s case their relationship is
one of rational violence that is plagued with episodes of rational power
control and hard emotions. Reading this case one could assume Emma and Jason
are mirroring their next door neighbor’s relationship. Although, the difference
between them and Emma and Jason relationship, is that Emma and Jason both
realizes what is occurring. The case leaves off with Emma and Jason both negotiating
to reframe their emotions by not resorting to violence again. Reframing is
trying to put a different way of interpreting to what one feels. For example,
counting to ten before responding when one feels a hard emotion. If Emma and
Jason can work on reframing their emotions, refuse to participate in relational
violent episodes, and create new rules to change their pattern of control over
one another, than I believe over time their relationship can change into a
positive one.
Consuelo, good job! I really like the way you compared the neighbors and Emma and Jason to each other. I think that's the whole point of the neighbors being part of this case. They are there to warn of what could be. We see how Emma and Jason change the more they are exposed to it. I imagine that some of their stress stemmed from the neighbors. It's got to be hard to think that your home, your sanctuary, is going to be marred by yelling and fighting, even if you're not the one fighting. Regardless of exact reasons, Emma and Jason become more and more violent and short with each other. It's really easy to look at this case and judge Emma and Jason as young, immature, and selfish. However, I think that's just what this case is supposed to show us. It can happen to anyone, given the right situation. Everyone's got buttons that can be pushed, and it takes practice to negotiate with the button-pushers, especially when they're loved ones.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Consuelo. I agree with what you have said here. I think that as long as they can work on have healthy communication their relationship can be a positive one once again. I do see how some might draw a parallel between the two couples, however, I do see some differences. The major difference that I see is that Emma and Jason talk about it and mutually decide that they will not resort to violence again. I time things escalated for these two and eventually got out of hand but hopefully they will be able to turn this around and stop the violence in their relationship.
ReplyDeleteConsuelo,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your post especially because you offered ways in which the couple could improve upon their relationship. Reframing is useful in not only words but also in our perception of things, kinda like looking at the glass half full rather than half empty. I also liked the idea of setting ground rules for arguments. It shows a level of integrity and respect for someone to follow those rules and not “hit below the belt”-as they say. Great job!